What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive

Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, faced a tough decision after her third miscarriage. Despite her emotional state, she returned to work the following day. Two colleagues, whom she claims were aware of her losses, delivered remarks that left her deeply affected. A female manager remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male manager criticized her appearance, stating she wasn’t presentable enough for the reception desk. “I was in shock,” Vicky recalls. Her resolve to continue was shaken, and she eventually handed in her resignation during her next shift.

Many individuals navigating infertility encounter similar remarks from loved ones. Vicky, who began trying for a baby in 2020, shares how friends and family often say things like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” While they intend to comfort, she explains, “In the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.” These comments, though well-meaning, can feel dismissive or even cruel during vulnerable times.

“You are met with really poor words from people,” Kay, 33, from Manchester, told Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. She recounted how someone close to her said, “A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,” just before she started IVF. Kay emphasizes that while most of these remarks aren’t intentional, they can still come across as insensitive.

The NHS reports that approximately one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and transferred to the uterus. Yet, for those undergoing treatment, discussing infertility can feel like a daunting task. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS waiting list for IVF, admits she initially hesitated to share her struggles. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says. “Your body is meant to do this, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”

“The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,” Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London, explained to Woman’s Hour. She highlights the emotional toll of infertility and its treatments, urging openness to those who can offer support.

Asiya Dawood, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, recalls how her community often questions her fertility. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” she says, noting that relatives may blame her for prioritizing her career or not marrying young enough. During her struggle, Asiya withdrew from social interactions, tired of the constant commentary. “Asking for help is taboo,” she adds, “and might be seen as a sign of weakness.”

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, suggests that support doesn’t always come from the usual circle of friends. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” she explains. She encourages individuals to seek help from counselors available at UK clinics, including NHS facilities. “Random check-ins, remembering appointments, and educating yourself on treatments can show you’re thinking of the person,” Chloe notes. Small gestures, she says, often carry more weight than grand ones.

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting example. Her friends and family provided “incredible” support after her miscarriages, including visiting her, bringing food and flowers, and gifting restaurant vouchers for a break. Her parents and husband even sent her flowers for Mother’s Day. While the bigger gestures matter, Elena emphasizes that consistent care, like thoughtful messages, can make a significant difference.